Still trudging through Amber’s Medical Mystery. Today is rough. Not feeling well, tired and nauseous. My body feels like something is eating me from the inside out. Yet no one can figure out what’s going on. That just makes it all worse. The not knowing. The lack of a plan or a remedy. It’s gotten me a little anxious, especially this week as some bloodwork came back wonky. Just when I thought I may get some help now that I have some tangible data my body feels nasty, but I get handed off to another specialist – a specialist I’ve already seen. It’s like going in circles.
Of course, the anxiety only makes me feel even worse. Sometimes sleep is difficult. Sometimes my mind keeps going back to ridiculous conversations with an inept ER doctor who has absolutely no bedside manner. Or wondering if I’ll be accepted as a patient to Mayo. I feel stressed out, and relief is hard to come by.
I know I’m supposed to rely on God during these times. But so many times I cry out to God for help, and I feel alone.
This morning, I lied awake in bed just thinking and talking to God in my mind. My heart pounded with the familiar cadence of anxiousness – thump, thump, thump. As usual, I looked up a random Bible verse of the day hoping to distract my mind.
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7
Are you kidding me? This is the verse of the day? Unbelievable.
I’ve prayed so many times to God for peace and comfort and healing. Sometimes I feel a little better. Other times not. But this – Philippians 4:6-7 – do not be anxious about anything. This is what I needed today. Just when I felt out of reach of God’s presence, he lets me know he’s still here. He hasn’t left. He’s taking care of me.
While feeling yucky, I haven’t been reading the Bible as much as I should. You’d think in all my woes and discomfort that I’d be reading it all the time, gathering up all of God’s promises and words of peace. But I haven’t. It almost seems too hard to do. Even if I know it should be the first place I go when I need his comfort the most.
It’s time to really dig into the Bible more as I battle whatever’s going on in my body if I’m going to have a chance of beating this thing.
So today, I’m ordering supplies to help fill my mind with God’s word. A friend of mine told me about a super awesome idea – writing scripture on a blank business card, punching a hole in it and putting the card on a clip ring. I can put it in on the table next to me, in my purse, in the car, on my nightstand. Where ever I am, snippets of God’s word can be close.
Time to sink deeper into Jesus.